I'm coming back!

I had been lacking for long enough, and "tunda" all my assignments for a long time. Today, am gonna finish whatever that I could, to get back the beat of the rhythm. This is my to-do list for today. Though it's kinda impossible, I'll try my VERY best for it. Give me the strength, God. :)

1. MCP - Skrip MCP , editing sisipan "tren macam saya", fikir fikir dan fikir about sets of MCP later..

2. Thesis - Last night, my very best friend told me that she told one of my lec about what had happen to me. She doesn't mean anything bad, I know. Don't worry girl, I will settle everything up and get back the condition as how I should be right now..

3. Assignments of Dr Safar - Honestly, had been a long while I tunda his assignments. I will make a due date for myself today, and hand in his assignments..

4. Report for PB course - A report after visit RTM last Thursday.

5. Apresiasi - Dr Asiah's assignments. It's gonna finish soon.. Gambateh Jing Jing! :)

6. Radio Midas reports.

7. Laundry maybe? hahaha

8. Oh ya! Almost forgotten! E-mail to Dr Asiah our 3rd year & 2nd year's MCP training time table. Plus, arrange extra training for every group.. Haizzz...

This is roughly my to-do list for today~ Gonna back to my assignments. See you again when I write again ya. Chao!

P/S: Anyway, Jay, I miss you! Day 2.

Story of Me & Jay : Day One

He came into my dream last night. I mean, Jay. Had been a long time I didn't dream about him. Twice I think that he came into my dream. We had a very sweet date in my dream. Couldn't really recall where it is, but it's such a beautiful dream.

When I woke up, I knew it's all a dream. Cause Jay is no more beside me. A night, without any calls, any missed call, any messages. At that time, I knew, I had hurt this guy, this kind-hearted guy. I called him early in the morning. He responded to me just as usual. And he turned off the call first. At this moment, I know I hurt him deeply and how strong he is try to being recovered in front of me.

At around 10 in the morning, just as when I missed him a lot, I find my phone, trying to call him, he text me. Had been a long time I didn't feel like this, waiting for a person to text me, and I was feeling so happy when I saw the message. Jay, good job.. You had made me miss you so much..

You know what. I started to forgot that he's no longer there. And this afternoon when I decided to cook, I actually cook more than a person's food. Goreng 2 packets of bihun. And I actually almost made sandwiches for him. At this moment, I know I had actually get used to have him in my life. And before this, to cook is just because of him. But I had actually forgotten all this time...

He doesn't deserve me. I know. You guys must had hated me for doing this to him. He is being with a person who had forgotten of everything. Even forgot to love him...

Today at DECTAR, we have this Festival 1 Malaysia. I am one of the committee actually. But I'm not going. Jay is playing for this show. I called him at around 7pm after I fall asleep in the evening. Cause I miss him, a lot, a lot.. I told him that I miss him. Asking him that did he want to see me tonight. I thought he will say "come lah".. But he didn't. He said better don't meet. Cause he still feel the pain last night. At this moment, I realize that how much I want to see him actually tonight, to be like usual, looking at him playing his bass guitar from the corner of backstage...

This is the story of me and Jay. But not after being together for six months and one week and a day. Instead, it's after breakup, day 1.

Jay, thanks cause trying to understand me. Thanks cause respect my decision. Thanks cause letting me go. Starting today, I will going to chase after you. All this while you had been running after me. This time, be my turn to chase after you, my darling. Today I watch this movie, Papadom and Setem. From Setem, I agree with what he said, happiness is not about receiving, but is giving. You are giving all this while, and I had been receiving. Let me give you my care and love, Jay. People, listen this. Today, I'm going to usha him, to love him, to let him be mine. And this is DAY ONE.

Story of Me & Jay

Hi readers! Had been a long while I stop writing.. Others might be busy. But me? I don't know..

Maybe I don't feel like want to leave anything here, which are all those sad things happened around me lately?

Six months. Nope. Should be six months and one week. Yeah. That's it. For this long I had been with him, *Allowed me to called him Jay here ya~*

He is somebody who love me so much with all his heart. He is the only one who can be that patient with me. I told him maybe I don't love him. I always told him. I asked for break ups. But he refused. He said he know that I love him. Just I'm lost, going somewhere and stay somewhere in my past memories.

Jay tried so hard to save our relationship.. But the more he hold me tight, the more I couldn't breathe, the more I wanna set myself free.. I always told Jay that he don't know what I want in my life. I know that I had been keep on complaining about him lately. Everything he do just doesn't seems right. He try to stop me from crying every time when I drop my tears. For me, I wanna cry. I wanna let everything out. But I just always couldn't remember that this guy had been putting so much love on me that he just cannot see me cry, even a drop of tears. I was such a bad girl when I scolded him that I just wanna cry. I was being such a jerk when every time I just couldn't put myself in his condition..

I had been stabbing his strong heart with a knife all this time. Saying so much words that hurt him a lot and the worst thing is I know that I'm hurting him. But just like usual, he won't show me that he's hurt. Instead, he always try to convince me that I love him. Jay, the more you are doing this, the more I want to hurt you. Do you know that? An ego person like me, I won't say "Yes, I love you.".. Jay, can you leave me? Just leave me... I always telling you to leave me.. It's not that I hate you.. It's not that you meant nothing to me.. I just want to feel being abandoned, and I want to love you. I don't want you to love me. I want I myself started to love you. Cause I know if I'm trying to get you back when you leave me, that's the time I love you.

Last night, I had been the most hated-by-everyone girl when I do all my best just to ask for breakup.. I hurt him lots and lots. I hate it when he smile and laugh. It makes me more like want to hurt him, and I actually don't want to. Jay, don't you understand? I want to make a chance for me to love you. The only way is to leave me. So that I can go and get you back..

I know I should be very grateful and thankful for this guy sent by God to me. Who can accept the way I am, who can go through my emotional, who can always be my side so that I won't miss him.. But Jay, I want to miss you. I want to love you. Right now, you are just there, and your love is just there. As if I don't need to do anything, cause you won't get away.. Jay, I'm not a person like this. I always want to do something to get what I want. I don't want get what is in front of me. I want to put my effort on it. Can you understand me, Jay? Stop loving me, Jay. Let me love you.. Stop miss me, Jay. Let me miss you.. Stop putting your cares on me, Jay. Let me care about you.. Stop coming near me, Jay.. This time, let me go to you...

p/s: this is the first time I wrote about my relationship with Jay, after six months and a week together...

. . .

Tuhan,
berikanlah ku kekuatan untuk mengharungi semua ini..