Story of Me & Jay

Hi readers! Had been a long while I stop writing.. Others might be busy. But me? I don't know..

Maybe I don't feel like want to leave anything here, which are all those sad things happened around me lately?

Six months. Nope. Should be six months and one week. Yeah. That's it. For this long I had been with him, *Allowed me to called him Jay here ya~*

He is somebody who love me so much with all his heart. He is the only one who can be that patient with me. I told him maybe I don't love him. I always told him. I asked for break ups. But he refused. He said he know that I love him. Just I'm lost, going somewhere and stay somewhere in my past memories.

Jay tried so hard to save our relationship.. But the more he hold me tight, the more I couldn't breathe, the more I wanna set myself free.. I always told Jay that he don't know what I want in my life. I know that I had been keep on complaining about him lately. Everything he do just doesn't seems right. He try to stop me from crying every time when I drop my tears. For me, I wanna cry. I wanna let everything out. But I just always couldn't remember that this guy had been putting so much love on me that he just cannot see me cry, even a drop of tears. I was such a bad girl when I scolded him that I just wanna cry. I was being such a jerk when every time I just couldn't put myself in his condition..

I had been stabbing his strong heart with a knife all this time. Saying so much words that hurt him a lot and the worst thing is I know that I'm hurting him. But just like usual, he won't show me that he's hurt. Instead, he always try to convince me that I love him. Jay, the more you are doing this, the more I want to hurt you. Do you know that? An ego person like me, I won't say "Yes, I love you.".. Jay, can you leave me? Just leave me... I always telling you to leave me.. It's not that I hate you.. It's not that you meant nothing to me.. I just want to feel being abandoned, and I want to love you. I don't want you to love me. I want I myself started to love you. Cause I know if I'm trying to get you back when you leave me, that's the time I love you.

Last night, I had been the most hated-by-everyone girl when I do all my best just to ask for breakup.. I hurt him lots and lots. I hate it when he smile and laugh. It makes me more like want to hurt him, and I actually don't want to. Jay, don't you understand? I want to make a chance for me to love you. The only way is to leave me. So that I can go and get you back..

I know I should be very grateful and thankful for this guy sent by God to me. Who can accept the way I am, who can go through my emotional, who can always be my side so that I won't miss him.. But Jay, I want to miss you. I want to love you. Right now, you are just there, and your love is just there. As if I don't need to do anything, cause you won't get away.. Jay, I'm not a person like this. I always want to do something to get what I want. I don't want get what is in front of me. I want to put my effort on it. Can you understand me, Jay? Stop loving me, Jay. Let me love you.. Stop miss me, Jay. Let me miss you.. Stop putting your cares on me, Jay. Let me care about you.. Stop coming near me, Jay.. This time, let me go to you...

p/s: this is the first time I wrote about my relationship with Jay, after six months and a week together...